Trouble With Toast

Normally, I don’t just announce the eliminated cheftestant right off the bat.  However, Robin had it coming for SO long that I don’t feel bad about “spoiling” the episode.  I feel like now we won’t have to spend 15 minutes of every episode listening to her or someone else whine about whether she should or should not still be around.  Less talky, more cooky, that’s what I always say.

Anyway, on with the show…which I thought was a pretty good one, actually, and not just because of the end result.  The chefs head to a kitchen somewhere in the belly of the Venetian (my favorite Vegas hotel), where they receive a call from a bathrobed Padma.  She and Nigella Lawson (also bathrobed, and looking absolutely stunning) are chillin’ in their suite and want some room-service breakfast.  There is chaos in the kitchen, of course, because it is small and cramped and these chefs aren’t so good at sharing.  Robin goes first, and she serves goat cheese blintzes with grilled pineapple and berries.  Eli’s “reuben benedict” is next, and it gets props from Nigella for being great hangover food.  Mike does something he calls “huevos cubana” (don’t even get me started on the atrocious spanish subject-verb disagreement), and it seems to go over well.  Kevin serves steak and eggs, with some creme fraiche and aged cheddar, and it looks absolutely delicious.  Jen inexplicably decides to serve “shit on a shingle,” otherwise known as creamed chipped beef.  By either name, it does not sound appetizing.  It doesn’t look particularly appetizing, either, but it doesn’t cause any gagging.  Bryan presents an egg with corn polenta, crab, and asparagus, which would have been delicious but for its strange vanilla butter sauce.

Nigella announces that her least favorites were Robin and Bryan, and that her favorites were Kevin and Eli.  Go Team ATL!  Eli ends up winning, and for his troubles, his recipe will be the only one from the season to appear in the Top Chef Quickfire Cookbook.  Maybe he can get royalties and make enough money to move out of his mom’s basement!

Padma announces the elimination challenge, which requires the chefs to take inspiration from one of the casinos on the Strip in creating a dish for 175 party guests.  They draw knives to determine their casinos, and they are given some time to check things out and formulate their plans.  Mike goes to New York, New York, and he decides to do a fiery chicken wing in homage of the 9/11 firefighters.  Jen draws the Excaliber, so she takes in a show and a meal at the Tournament of Kings (think Medieval Times, multiplied by Vegas) and seems to enjoy drinking beer and eating with her hands.  However, she does not really have a clear vision for her dish.  Bryan is inspired by the shark exhibit at the Mandalay Bay, and he decides to design his dish around sustainable seafood.  Robin is immediately drawn to the Chihuly sculpture in the lobby of the Bellagio, and she decides to incorporate all of the beautiful color into a dessert.  Ruh-roh, Shaggy.  Kevin plays with dolphins at the Mirage and asserts his non-redneck-ness.  And poor Eli drew Circus Circus, which is the most craptastic casino of them all.  He says something about the aesthetic of the hotel, which makes me giggle, because there IS NONE.

There is a brief food flurry (they only had 3.5 hours to cook in the kitchen, and then one hour to get ready at the event site), and then the party begins.  Kevin makes a funny and says that he was going to put up a picture of his dish and then fill all of the bowls with sand (get it?  because it’s a mirage?).  Tee.  GO TEAM KEVIN!!!  The judges approach Jennifer’s table first, and she prepares her New York strip with beets, a red wine reduction, and truffles.  It sounds good, but it doesn’t look particularly refined (especially since the meat is tough, as is pointed out by Nigella and Tony).  Kevin is next, and he serves a lightly-cured salmon with a compressed veggie salad/slaw and a cucumber/tomato broth.  Everyone loves it.  Mike has turned basic chicken wings into a boneless chicken wing confit with a cold blue cheese disc.  The judges seem to enjoy the temperature contrast.  Brother Bryan also does well with his escabeche of halibut, despite initially turning the judges off with his description of a “parsley fluid gel.”  Robin’s panna cotta is too gelatinous and dense, and the spun sugar didn’t turn out well and couldn’t be served.  The curse of dessert lives on!  Eli’s caramel apple peanut soup seems to taste as bad as it sounds, though the judges appreciate his dedication to the challenge and his willingness to go all out.

Not surprisingly, Kevin and the Brothers Voltaggio are the judges’ favorites.  In the end, Mike pulls out the win and manages NOT to club Toby with his huge bottle of Terlato wine when he calls his food “effeminate.”  WTF?

The bottom three sullenly slink to the judges’ table and prepare for the verbal beating.  Robin seems to know her time is up, and admits to trying to “cook up” to the level of the other contestants.  Jen confesses to not having a solid concept for her dish.  Eli defends his concept and his commitment to the challenge, but he is slapped down by the judges who confirm that the dish was circus-like in its disastrousness.  Despite the fact that Jen says she’s ready to go (in the stew room, not in front of the judges, THANK GOODNESS), Robin is told to pack her knives and go.  She’s pretty emotional about it, which I’m sure she will also be when she sees the party that the other chefs throw to celebrate her elimination.

I saw Thomas Keller in the preview bit, and I was all excited and happy, and then there was a clip of Mike saying, “The food that Kevin cooks is the food that I cook…on my day off.”  Seriously, dude?  Why are you such a tremendous cocksucker?  Even if I wasn’t a flag-waving member of Team Kevin, I would think that comment was douchetastic.  I mean, just because Kevin doesn’t cook effeminate chicken wings doesn’t mean that he’s a hack.  Grrrrrr…

We are inching closer, kittens.  Closer and closer to the elimination of mediocrity and the emergence of the final competitors.  Thank the baby jeebus–I feel like this season has dragged on and on and on.  Of course I’ll be sad when it’s all over, but for now I feel like complaining about THIS, thankyouverymuch.

Blah blah blah, the episode starts with everyone being kind of down about Restaurant Wars and, of course, about the fact that Robin is still there.  They head over to the M Resort, where Padma is waiting for them with Paul Bartolotta.  They announce a TV dinner challenge, so I’m thinking, cool, they’ll have to develop a concept that is microwaveable and still tasty.  WRONG.  Apparently, “TV dinner challenge” means “create a dish inspired by a random TV show and put it on a segmented plate.”  Oh, and it also means “Padma and Chef Bartolotta will eat the dishes while sitting on a 70s-esque couch in front of a fake television set.”  Lame, lame, lame.  I was pretty disinterested in the challenge, but I paid attention long enough to see Kevin win for his Sopranos-inspired meatballs, roasted cauliflower, and roasted pears.  YAY, TEAM KEVIN!!!  Even though your stellar Top Chef performance is making it frickin’ IMPOSSIBLE to get a reservation at your restaurant, I still heart you the mostest.

Padma announces that the elimination challenge will involve the chefs taking over craftsteak (Tom Colicchio’s Vegas steakhouse) for the night.  That’s all the explanation she provides.  If I were a contestant, I would be very suspicious.  There is NO WAY the challenge could be so simple and straightforward.  I would immediately brainstorm potential tricks and twists.  Of course, I have WATCHED THE SHOW BEFORE.  Apparently, the actual contestants have not, as they proceed to lounge around the house and dream up delicious, meaty scenarios.  Dumbasses.

When the chefs walk into craftsteak, they head straight to the walk-in and peruse the beefy offerings.  Not so fast, oh naive ones.  Tom and Padma have a surprise guest to introduce!  Her name is Natalie Portman…and she’s a vegetarian.  Cue ominous music.  The chefs scramble back into the chiller to fight over produce.  There’s a lot of grandstanding from Robin and Mike I. about how they cook vegetarian all the time, which clearly means that their dishes will suck.  Kevin mentions that he and his wife give up meat for Lent, but because it’s Kevin, it’s not grandstanding and it means that he will rock out.  YAY, TEAM KEVIN!!!

Robin serves first, and she presents “Stuffed Squash Blossom, Beet Carpaccio, Fresh Garbanzo Beans and Chermoula.”  It looks like a mess to me, but Natalie thinks it is beautiful.  Unfortunately, it is oversalted and not so tasty.  Eli is up next with his “Confit of Eggplant, Lentils, Garlic Puree and Radish Salad.”  It looks delicious, and it gets good reviews from the diners and judges.  Mike V.’s “Asparagus Salad, Japanese Tomato Sashimi and Banana Polenta” is next, and initially the guests balk at the whole banana polenta concept.  However, the dish prompts one of Natalie’s cohorts to compare Mike to Picasso, so I think he ended up alright.  Not so for Jen, whose “Charred Baby Eggplant, Braised Fennel, Tomatoes and Verjus Nage” is deemed not substantial enough for a main course.  In addition, Jen sauces each plate individually, which would have been charming but for her shaking hands and awkward general nervousness.  Bryan’s “Artichoke Barigoule, Confit of Shallot, Wild Asparagus and Fennel Puree” is also a pretty darn small portion, but it spawns some sort of innuendo-laden conversation among the ladies, with Tom looking as uncomfortable as ever.  Kevin rounds out the group (literally and figuratively) with his “Duo of Mushrooms, Smoked Kale, Candied Garlic and Turnip Puree,” which just SOUNDS hearty.  And apparently it is, and the dish, while not so pretty, gets a lot of positive feedback.

Kevin, Eli, and Mike V. get called to judges’ table first, and Kevin ends up winning the challenge.  YAY, TEAM KEVIN!!!  He wins a bunch of GE appliances, and he doesn’t look particularly jazzed about that part of the victory, but whatev.  Mike V. immediately gets a sour face and complains that he could have made Kevin’s dish “in 20 minutes” and “in my second year of apprenticeship.”  The producers/editors of TC have clearly passed the obnoxious, arrogant douchebag torch from Mike I. to Mike V.  I want to kick both of them in the teeth.

Alas, I will have no further opportunities to express my dislike of Mike I. (until the reunion special, of course), as he is booted for his ignorance of what constitutes a protein and for his yucky, poorly-cooked leeks.  Yes, children, despite Robin’s all over the place-ness, and despite the fact that Jen is seemingly crumbling under the pressure of the competition, Mike I. is eliminated with a “whatever, whatever” and an emotional “it is what it is.”

More of Mike V.’s arrogance and Robin’s annoyingness next week, it seems.  Can we get rid of both of them at the same time?  A girl can dream…

Normally, I can’t stay up late enough to enjoy Top Chef on its regularly scheduled Wednesday night slot.  Mock me if you must, but mama needs her beauty sleep, ya dig?  For Restaurant Wars, though, I made an exception and hunkered down for the super-sized episode.

Our first shot at the TC compound shows teeny tiny Jen in a teeny tiny (but super cute) bikini.  Inside the house, we hear MORE about the Voltaggio brothers and their lifelong competition, and Ash is missed for the dynamic he brought to the group.  At the M Resort, Padma and Rick Moonen greet the chefs for the quickfire challenge, which they describe as a tag-team cook-off.  The chefs draw knives, and Jen ends up getting “First Pick” and Mike V. gets “Second Pick.”  So, they are the “leaders” and get to pick their teams in that order.  Jen wonders whether to split up the brothers or keep them together, but she ultimately picks Kevin, Mike I., and Laurine.  That leaves Mike V. with Bryan, Eli, and Robin.

The tag team challenge involves each chef cooking for 10 minutes while the remaining chefs are blindfolded.  Somehow, this is supposed to test their teamwork.  I am confused, as I always thought that teamwork involved collaboration and communication (and the chefs are not allowed to talk to each other, making this a see no evil, speak no evil kind of situation).  Anywho, on the blue team, Jen pulls and trims some black cod, starts a sauce, and heats some oil for poaching.  Laurine unwraps scallops and looks perplexed for a moment before she figures out the whole poaching idea, but I’m not sure what she does besides that.  Mike I. inexplicably moves Jen’s oil from the heat and starts a second pot of the same thing.  Kevin ditches the whole poaching idea altogether and decides to butter-roast the fish in the pan.  The final dish: sablefish (another name for black cod) with sauteed mushrooms, shitake broth, and radish salad.  Moonen really likes it, though Jen mistakenly describes it as trout.

As for the red team, Eli starts out by grabbing tons of ingredients and just prepping the hell out of them.  He also starts to sear some strip steaks.  Robin comes in next and is impressed by what Eli was able to accomplish.  She sees the available ingredients and thinks Caesar salad, so she makes a yuzu anchovy vinagrette to use with some shaved fennel.  Bryan realizes he’s in the land of Asian flavors, so he blends some soy and avocado with the yuzu concoction.  Mike V. comes in and finishes the plating.  The finished dish: pan-roasted New York strip steak with whipped miso-avocado puree.  He tells Chef Moonen that the whip is pretty salty, so the steak was underseasoned in order to counteract that.  Moonen wishes the steak would have been cooked a wee bit more, but likes the dish overall.  Forced to choose, the guest judge picks the blue team.  Yay, Team Kevin!  The winners will get a big advantage in the elimination challenge, but they also get $10,000 to split–OR, they can “let it ride,” and if they win Restaurant Wars, they EACH get $10,000.  Clearly, the blue team opts to let it ride.

The teams do all their shopping and strategizing with relatively little drama.  The red team is naming their restaurant REVolt, which incorporates the “R” from Robin, the “E” from Eli, and the “Volt” from Voltaggio.  I think it’s adorable that they worked everyone’s name in there, and that they are focused on a food revolution.  As you will see later, I am the only one who holds this opinion.  They throw ideas around, and Mike largely poo-poos brother Bryan’s suggestions.  Mike V. gives props to Robin and her winning apple crumble, suggesting that she refines it to create a pear pastry dessert.  Bryan wants to make his chocolate ganache, but Mike V. is skeptical because it tanked before; he asks snottily if big brother could manage NOT to make it grainy this time.  Seriously, the Voltaggio ‘tood is getting on my nerves.  Eli volunteers to work the front of the house, and he proceeds to try on many ill-fitting suit-like garments.  Such a mess, that one.  The blue team is naming their restaurant Mission, blabbing something about architechture or whatever (yawn).  Laurine is going to work the front of the house, which I think is the most horrible idea ever, since she seems to have the personality of a wet noodle.  An occasionally cranky wet noodle.  Mike I. is going to do two first courses, Jen is going to do two fish courses, and Kevin is going to do two meat courses.  The team is opting out of dessert because they feel like everyone who does dessert ends up going home.

For the challenge, they are cooking at Moonen’s double-kitchened, two-story restaurant at the Mandalay Bay, and the “significant” advantage gained by the blue team is simply getting to pick first.  Lame.  They go to the fine dining area, leaving the red team to set up shop in the more casual eatery.  Everyone is behind, everyone is in the weeds, and everyone is fussy.  Mike V., in addition to being all of those things, is also a bossy asshole.  Nonetheless, the prep time passes and it is time for service.  The judges visit REVolt first, and immediately start bagging on the name (saying that it makes them think “revolting”).  Seriously?  My mind didn’t go there AT ALL.  Eli seems to be an attentive and relatively charming host, and he brings out the first course, his smoked arctic char with beets and horseradish cream and Mike’s pressed chicken and calamari.  The judges are not wowed by Eli’s dish, but they LOVE the chicken.  Like, to the point where Tom and Padma are glaring at each other over who gets the last bite.  Next comes Bryan’s duo of beef (short ribs and NY strip) and Mike’s cod with billi-bi sauce.  The beef is good but not great, but the cod is very popular at the table.  For dessert, the judges get Bryan’s chocolate ganache with spearmint ice cream and Robin’s pear pithivier.  Both are very successful, with Toby stating that the pear dessert is Robin’s best dish to date.  Generally, things seem to go smoothly, with the exception of some cursing and yelling between Robin and Mike V. in the kitchen.  Oh, and the fact that Eli needs to tuck his damn shirt in.

Up at Mission, things are…not so good.  Everyone seems like they’re off their respective games.  Even Kevin appears to be stressin’ it, which is off-putting.  Laurine is really struggling with the full restaurant and the fact that things are moving so slowly.  The judges arrive and are given the first course, Mike I.’s arctic char tartare and asparagus and egg “salad.”  Good thing they had menus to tell them what they were eating, since Laurine practically sprinted away from the table after putting the plates down.  Neither dish impresses anyone, and Padma asks for salt.  Gasp.  Not a good start, and Mike I. knows it.  There is a looooooooong wait between the first course and the second, which is Jen’s trout (really, trout this time) with hazelnut butter and a bouillabaisse with halibut.  The halibut is beautiful, but the rest of the food is downright lousy–the trout in particular is just brown and unappetizing, and the accompanying sauce is broken and greasy.  The third course is Laurine’s lamb with carrot jam and Kevin’s pork three ways.  I don’t even remember what they said about Kevin’s dish, because mostly they were complaining about how the lamb was significantly undercooked and felt like Jell-O in the middle.  Bleh.  The judges also commented on the lack of dessert, and it wasn’t in a complimentary fashion.

Clearly, the red team ends up at judges table first, as the winners.  Toby says that if he reviewed the restaurant, he would have made fun of the name and the host’s clothes, but then he would have given it three stars.  There’s not a lot of negativity at all, except for Robin and Mike V. being all cranky with each other (there is passive-aggression and eye-rolling, as we have come to expect).  In the end, Mike V. is declared the winner, and he receives an autographed copy of Moonen’s book and the $10,000 chip that the blue team forfeited.  Mike V. asks the judges if he can split the money amongst the team, and they say he can do whatever he wants with it.  In the stew room, Robin comments on how generous the gesture is, but Bryan pouts that Mike can keep his (Bryan’s) share of the winnings.  Mike is all, like, “Are you pissed?” and Bryan is all, like, “No, but you won, so you keep it.”  To the camera, Bryan admits that he IS pissed that Mike’s unprofessional behavior is being rewarded.  Great, that means even more bro-on-bro conflict next week.  I’m over the sibling rivalry, Bravo.

The blue team looks all kinds of defeated when they stand before the judges.  Everyone admits that they had a bad night, and Jen even compares herself to her broken sauce.  Mike I. seems to be safe because his dishes were neither bad nor good, but everyone else has major issues to deal with.  For Kevin, it’s the poorly cooked lamb.  For Jen, it’s everything BUT the well-cooked halibut.  For Laurine, it’s bad FOH service and not taking enough responsibility for her lamb dish.  Thankfully, Laurine is the one sent packing, though I do wonder about that whole premise of judging each chef on a week by week basis (rather than cumulatively).

How was this Restaurant War for you?